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I've just been through a hard drive to delete stuff I don't need anymore. There are still a heap of photos I took during a time when I was struggling. I haven't deleted all of them yet, as they are connected to my writing (inspired by my experiences, trying to communicate what bipolar disorder with post-traumatic stress disorder, PTSD are like). I find a photo diary to be helpful for my creative process. At times in my life, I will take a lot of photos, of things that other people ignore (or don't even notice). At the time, they had significance to me, of something I was processing (grief, trauma) or linked to themes of things felt inspired to create (also processing).
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I felt overwhelmed, burnout with low mood today. I didn't make it to work today after two weeks annual leave. I'm not going to detail here why I am so stressed (other than linked to my Dad dying recently). I talked to a doctor today and she said she could issue me a medical certificate but that won't change the stressful circumstances linked to the bereavement. She suggested trying to get back into a routine, which includes my part-time job. I spent most of the day in hibernation, emerging for a walk in the evening. In this blog post, I would like to highlight aspects of my annual leave.  Light at the end of a tunnel built in the 1800s First up, I want to say that Soar Purpose is now a registered trademark. It's relatively inexpensive to trademark in New Zealand and I think it's worth it for a meaningful blog or small business. It's currently a passionate hobby but it has potential to become a business. I've trademarked under class 41: 'Education, entertainment, sports' (ironically I don't like sports but it's all one class). My specified goods and services include book editing and publishing, painting and art instruction. Dreaming big.  I painted 'Healing a Broken Heart' in 2018. Just a quick blog post to download some thoughts in my head. I went for a walk today and stopped to take a pic of this bloom. I think it's a magnolia blossom. The buds are fuzzy. It's really important to get some exercise in as self-care, when working on projects like writing books. I have only two more chapters to edit/re-write out of 31 for my memoir. All going well, I'm on track to self-publish it next month. I wanted to include a little bit about why I change my name, in case I edit it out (if I have way more pages than expected when do further formatting).  Winter bloom One of the great things about being an independent 'indie' author, is that I can choose my own publication date. With flexibility to move things around, if I need to. I had therapy today (for PTSD). My clinicial psychologist asked, 'Why September?' as that's the month I'm aiming for. In this blog post, I'll give a few reasons why, with a little context.  'Bloom' rock 'pain-ting' I was editing a bit of my memoir, Bipolar Courage: Are you sure you're not autistic? The story is written and I'm two-thirds of the way through, polishing it, best I can. I was quite amused at my own writing, which I cross-checked with a video, as I wasn't sure if I'd lip-synched or sang along to a song. I laughed when I watched some of it back.  Devine Fire Goddess, acrylics on canvas by Xanthe Wyse Listening to music while I'm doing the final editing of my manuscript. Music helps me to stay focused, to process and helps buffer the difficult themes. I have just edited a very triggering chapter halfway through my memoir, Bipolar Courage: are you sure you're not autistic? Triggering as it has themes like suicide (which I haven't detailed here). A song came on that I don't recall hearing before, 'Private Emotion,' by Ricky Martin featuring Meja. I listened to it several times while working on this chapter plus this little snippet in a blog post. This book is my most emotionally vulnerable yet, about an intense connection and occasional clashes with an autistic man, Maxwell. Then, I listened to 'Fly Away' by Lenny Kravitz.  Synchronicity, acrylics on canvas by Xanthe Wyse I want to say upfront that I believe in ethics with writing, which includes disguising people, so they aren't easily recognisable to the general public. The challenge I have with the memoir I am currently finalising, is that some might have a guess at who the characters are, as it involved social media. Hence, I have filtered certain stuff out, including obvious identifying features. This is so I can tell my story, while also respecting others privacy. I usually only write about people, if they had an impact on me in some way. Either I really liked them or they were highly irritating (some people are in both categories).  It's a trap! I'm actually avoiding currently. Avoiding getting back to a project that I am determined to complete in 2023 (my second memoir, Bipolar Courage). I don't want to harp on much about my diagnoses on this blog. I will mention in this post that I am diagnosed with the avoidance and shutdown presentation of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I am into my 5th year of treatment and my psychologist has applied to extend therapy to the end of this year. I have improved a lot, yet I still struggle and I didn't really want to continue with detailing how in my old blog and vlog on bipolarcourage.com. Part of me feels like I could just delete it all but then I put goodness knows how many hours of effort into it. It takes courage to be vulnerable and show the raw stuff. Recently I have been transitioning away from advocacy stuff (a 15-year journey in all) and I've been hyperfocussed on setting up this website (using self-taught skills). In this blog post, I want to try say how avoidance can actually result in getting stuff done.  Focus, acrylics on canvas by Xanthe Wyse My brain is extremely fatigued but I decided to start another blog post anyway. When fatigued, it's much harder to string sentences together, to be understood. However, my blog is minimally edited and an outlet in between my bigger projects. I also forget what I've just written or typed. Yet, it's all a form of processing. Writing is more challenging for me, as I have clinicially recognised cognitive impairments. I find it easier to paint. I don't actually need to use much cognition at all to paint. It's just improvised on intuition (I usually listen to music that fits my mood so I can process intense themes plus it stops any overthinking). Painting is energising and calming for me at the same time, like meditation in motion. When my brain is too scrambled for words, and I don't know what I'm feeling, painting is my go to.  Spring, acrylics on canvas, Xanthe Wyse |
Xanthe Wyse('Zan-thee Wise'). 
Disclaimer: the author of this blog is not an expert by profession and her opinions should not be taken as expert advice.
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