Going through journals to extract anything of use to my creative projects before burning the journals. Came across something I was amused at so sharing it here. Not many people know this story. I did the painting because I was upset about a situation and telling myself to blank it out (I'm the sunflower).
Just revisting some journal entries from five years ago, when I had my first solo art exhibition (which I pitched as an art as therapy exhibition). I'd set a 'ridiculous goal' of an exhibition when I was severely unwell and struggling. My main diagnoses are bipolar disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I still have permanent disabililty after treatment.
I did the painting below, More than Good Enough, during that exhibition. It expressed the mixed feelings of the exhibition process. I didn't put prices on the paintings, as I didn't want people to judge. One of the main reasons I did the exhibition is because I didn't feel good enough and that my art wasn't good enough (in fact, most of my art in the past ended up at the dump).
Extract from my journal from over 5 years ago, when I was starting therapy for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD):
"I won a positivity award at work…Seems ironic as feeling so negative internally about it.
Might paint Snowball – a longhaired fluffy white cat…with purplish eyes…a book cover for Pet Purpose? What is her hope?"
First up, I want to say that Soar Purpose is now a registered trademark. It's relatively inexpensive to trademark in New Zealand and I think it's worth it for a meaningful blog or small business. It's currently a passionate hobby but it has potential to become a business. I've trademarked under class 41: 'Education, entertainment, sports' (ironically I don't like sports but it's all one class). My specified goods and services include book editing and publishing, painting and art instruction. Dreaming big.
I uploaded some of my paintings (mostly birds) to my paintings page today. I haven't actually painted much past few years (other than rocks).
I've actually been a writer for many years, but most of it hasn't seen the light of day. I've even destroyed a lot of what I have written. The raw stuff (journals etc) can inspire books later. I spend years writing my books, as I am processing plus working with disabilties that affect my cognition and memory.
I had some space last night to go through some of the extracts I'd torn from journals from 2017-2019. The rest of the 8 journals were burned recently.
I'm not okay. I can't 'mask' this. If I'm 'too blunt,' and 'too honest', and don't validate others, I get told, 'Why are you being so negative?' and 'You sound angry' (from mere typed words onto a screen).
I can't stand toxic positivity. Faking that everything is butterflies and rainbows when it's not. It's gaslighting. It's telling people to suppress their feelings. My psychologist already knows I'm am expert at that. Avoiding and shutting down intense emotions is part of my presentation of post-traumatic stress disorder, PTSD (from trauma).
Disclaimer: the author of this blog is not an expert by profession and her opinions should not be taken as expert advice.