I've had a very busy and stressful week, which included a car crash and doing a painting. Painting was actually some time out but I don't have an art studio, so paints everywhere in my bedroom become more stress, so they have to go away until I'm ready to do another painting.
In the middle of this, I was notified that I was awarded a Red Ribbon for my memoir, Bipolar Courage: Are You Sure You're Not Autistic?
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It's 1AM on 1 January 2024 in New Zealand. I should get some sleep so will try keep this short.
I now live in town, so walked down to see the fireworks display in my town. We'd had heavy rain and it finally stopped. My shoes were drenched from walking through wet grass. My first pics for the year were fireworks. It's after 11pm on 25 December 2023 as I write this blog post. Christmas is full of expectations and triggers. I spent Christmas on my own but not completely alone. I didn't meet up with family.
The family in the household I am now flatting with are new to living in New Zealand and don't celebrate Christmas. They were surprised I didn't go to church. I am not religious, after being raised Christian. I won't go into all the reasons here why Christmas can be so triggering but one reason is grief. I recently made the decision to move out of the family home and go flatting (for the first time in nearly 30 years). Other than that, since my divorce, I had lived in a hostel for a year (full of druggies and boozers). I made this decision after Mum decided to put the house on the market, after Dad died three months ago.
I moved nearly two weeks ago, to live with a young family. Coinciding with my move, I received an email from Accident Compensation Corporation (ACC) stating they would be making a lump sum payment for impairment for my mental injury of posttraumatic stress disorder, PTSD. Will try keep this short as I have a pile of stuff out on my bedroom floor (sorting) and there is an open home tomorrow.
After a three-year battle, I finally won against Accident Compensation Corporation (ACC) for a lump sum payment for my mental injury of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I'm not going to go into detail in this post, as I haven't even read the doctor's report yet. Although it is satisfying that the doctor who assessed in my favour used to work for ACC. After seeing me on a 'good' day, at my 'best.' After years of therapy. Just revisting some journal entries from five years ago, when I had my first solo art exhibition (which I pitched as an art as therapy exhibition). I'd set a 'ridiculous goal' of an exhibition when I was severely unwell and struggling. My main diagnoses are bipolar disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I still have permanent disabililty after treatment.
I did the painting below, More than Good Enough, during that exhibition. It expressed the mixed feelings of the exhibition process. I didn't put prices on the paintings, as I didn't want people to judge. One of the main reasons I did the exhibition is because I didn't feel good enough and that my art wasn't good enough (in fact, most of my art in the past ended up at the dump). Extract from my journal from over 5 years ago, when I was starting therapy for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD):
"I won a positivity award at work…Seems ironic as feeling so negative internally about it. Might paint Snowball – a longhaired fluffy white cat…with purplish eyes…a book cover for Pet Purpose? What is her hope?" First up, I want to say that Soar Purpose is now a registered trademark. It's relatively inexpensive to trademark in New Zealand and I think it's worth it for a meaningful blog or small business. It's currently a passionate hobby but it has potential to become a business. I've trademarked under class 41: 'Education, entertainment, sports' (ironically I don't like sports but it's all one class). My specified goods and services include book editing and publishing, painting and art instruction. Dreaming big.
I uploaded some of my paintings (mostly birds) to my paintings page today. I haven't actually painted much past few years (other than rocks).
I've actually been a writer for many years, but most of it hasn't seen the light of day. I've even destroyed a lot of what I have written. The raw stuff (journals etc) can inspire books later. I spend years writing my books, as I am processing plus working with disabilties that affect my cognition and memory.
I had some space last night to go through some of the extracts I'd torn from journals from 2017-2019. The rest of the 8 journals were burned recently. |
Xanthe Wyse('Zan-thee Wise'). Disclaimer: the author of this blog is not an expert by profession and her opinions should not be taken as expert advice.
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