Private emotion

Listening to music while I'm doing the final editing of my manuscript. Music helps me to stay focused, to process and helps buffer the difficult themes. I have just edited a very triggering chapter halfway through my memoir, Bipolar Courage: are you sure you're not autistic? Triggering as it has themes like suicide (which I haven't detailed here).

A song came on that I don't recall hearing before, 'Private Emotion,' by Ricky Martin featuring Meja. I listened to it several times while working on this chapter plus this little snippet in a blog post. This book is my most emotionally vulnerable yet, about an intense connection and occasional clashes with an autistic man, Maxwell. Then, I listened to 'Fly Away' by Lenny Kravitz.

Synchronicity, acrylics on canvas by Xanthe Wyse

Fly away

    Several accounts online had made personal attacks of Maxwell over differences in political views. He tried not to let him bother him but deep down, it did. His main enemies were noisy online but cowards hurling insults from behind their keyboards. Bet they wouldn’t say such things to someone’s face.
    I added, ‘You’re still on a journey finding out who Maxwell is. I see a beautiful, complex person who is sensitive under all the fighting. You have more books in you.’
    ‘I’m kinda jaded with writing at the moment. Just not feeling it.’
    ‘You are a gifted writer. Perhaps time for a change? Try photography? I switch from one creative activity to another. I don’t try to make it into a career. I do it for me. I’m basically making the most of a shitty situation. Not feeling sorry for myself. Doing what I can with what I have.’
     I sent him a pic of the completed Synchronicity painting.
​   ‘You are the blue bird on the left. I am the yellow bird, teaching you to fly. Two phoenixes rising from the ashes. The birds have found the eye of the storm, where it is peaceful. The birds are separate, in sync across a huge physical distance, yet connected. The spiritual connection we spoke of. Please stay connected with those who care about you, even if you take a break from social media. Don’t entertain the suicidal thoughts. They are part of depression but depression is not who you are.’
    ‘Thank you.’