I recently made the decision to move out of the family home and go flatting (for the first time in nearly 30 years). Other than that, since my divorce, I had lived in a hostel for a year (full of druggies and boozers). I made this decision after Mum decided to put the house on the market, after Dad died three months ago.
I moved nearly two weeks ago, to live with a young family. Coinciding with my move, I received an email from Accident Compensation Corporation (ACC) stating they would be making a lump sum payment for impairment for my mental injury of posttraumatic stress disorder, PTSD.
I'm not okay. I can't 'mask' this. If I'm 'too blunt,' and 'too honest', and don't validate others, I get told, 'Why are you being so negative?' and 'You sound angry' (from mere typed words onto a screen).
I can't stand toxic positivity. Faking that everything is butterflies and rainbows when it's not. It's gaslighting. It's telling people to suppress their feelings. My psychologist already knows I'm am expert at that. Avoiding and shutting down intense emotions is part of my presentation of post-traumatic stress disorder, PTSD (from trauma).
I still haven't done everything on my list, since I published my book. Partly because I haven't felt motivated to, as my Dad died the same week.
Last night I cleared out a few things from my wardrobe. I came across some notebooks with amusing anecdotes from when my son was little. This anecdote keeps playing through my head.
I've been working on a memoir the past 18 months or so. I'm up to the final editing and proof-reading stages. I feel a bit worried I have broken lots of rules of grammar but then I think, 'Stuff it!' There are too many grammar snobs out there, hung up on rules, yet write boring stories.
I've just had a chat to a friend who has taught English and German for years. She said that a lot of people, including American writers, are being more flexible about grammar these days. Overly formal grammar can sound stuffy and take away from the essense of the story and expression.
My brain is extremely fatigued but I decided to start another blog post anyway. When fatigued, it's much harder to string sentences together, to be understood. However, my blog is minimally edited and an outlet in between my bigger projects. I also forget what I've just written or typed. Yet, it's all a form of processing.
Writing is more challenging for me, as I have clinicially recognised cognitive impairments. I find it easier to paint. I don't actually need to use much cognition at all to paint. It's just improvised on intuition (I usually listen to music that fits my mood so I can process intense themes plus it stops any overthinking). Painting is energising and calming for me at the same time, like meditation in motion. When my brain is too scrambled for words, and I don't know what I'm feeling, painting is my go to.
Kiwis can't fly, right? In this blog post, I want to show that not only can they fly but they can soar. I am a former 'Oz Kiwi' (New Zealand citizen living in Australia) and back home as a 'Kiwi'. Some people have asked me if I'm Australian, even though I don't think I picked up the accent too much.
I want to avoid mention of advocacy and political stuff as much as possible after this blog post (I'm allergic to politics). I had typed yet not published some stuff, so I figured I may as well use some of what I'd processed this past month in this blog post.
It's not well-known that the main advocacy group to bring about major reform, Oz Kiwi, was founded by a disabled woman, who did not personally benefit from it.
Disclaimer: the author of this blog is not an expert by profession and her opinions should not be taken as expert advice.