I was editing a bit of my memoir, Bipolar Courage: Are you sure you're not autistic? The story is written and I'm two-thirds of the way through, polishing it, best I can. I was quite amused at my own writing, which I cross-checked with a video, as I wasn't sure if I'd lip-synched or sang along to a song. I laughed when I watched some of it back.
I'd improvised the video, when my mood was elevated (combination of bipolar disorder and posttraumatic stress disorder). I was processing anger, but it doesn't seem like typical anger. I've included an extract, below, from my memoir, plus the video it refers to.
I anticipate self-publishing the memoir by September 2023. It's about an intense on-again, off-again 'thing' with Maxwell, an autistic guy. Focusing on my emotional journey (very vulnerable for me). I rollercoaster love story with lots of drama.
On Valentine’s Day, just after a year since the first flirtations with Maxwell, I wore the red dress he’d liked, even though it was getting a bit tight from my overindulging in chocolate, to try manage stress.
Devine Fire Goddess was on the easel. I applied some red lipstick then cut apart one of the sculptures I'd made, singing along to an angry breakup song, frequently mixing up the lyrics. I aggressively chomped down on a banana, when the lyrics said, ‘…feel it.’
Patricia [clinical psychologist] laughed when she saw that part of the video. ‘I expect men would have winced.'
‘So, you got the metaphor of that?’
‘Oh, yes. Loud and clear.’ We laughed.
Patricia loved my improvised creative storytelling. The banana was a last-minute idea when I’d gathered some minimal props during the surge of hyperarousal energy.
My anger wasn’t just at Maxwell. It was at all the men who had used me. Although, I didn't come across as typically angry. I came across as a bit bonkers with a warped sense of humour.
The mania compilation video now had over 20,000 views, on the first anniversary of uploading it, on Valentine's Day. I think part of the reason I’d uploaded it was to try put Maxwell off early. Men either ran for the hills or were hoping I would be their sexual fantasy after they found out I had bipolar disorder.
Indeed, I’d been told before, ‘Crazy women are the sexiest. Like you.’
The entire video is symbolism, with creative storytelling, during elevated mood (hypomania to mania). See around 6:00 for the banana reference.