Compelled to create

'Maxwell' (whom I'm writing about in my memoir) said that I'm 'compelled to create.' I was thinking today about what being creative means to me. Of course, this is also a complex interaction with other traits, such as my introversion and mental health struggles (both of which Maxwell also has). I think Maxwell is also a creative, yet hasn't fully untapped his creative potential yet. Some of our shared traits is why we connected, I think. Other than mutual attraction.

Whereas, a creative who is extroverted and who doesn't have mental health struggles may have quite different characteristics. I recall some years back, someone mentored me and said I was yet to fulful my creative potential. This person was right. Now my creative expression is my entire meaning of life.

I'll make a list of creative traits that apply to me. The painting below, Soar Purpose, was inspired by my connection with Maxwell. Which also inspired the title of a novel I am still writing called Soar Purpose and this blog.
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Soar Purpose, acrylics on canvas by Xanthe Wyse

My creative traits

• highly sensitive, emotionally, to others emotions, to the environment (this may result in stress)
• deep - way deeper than people expect, especially emotionally (I may seem 'cool' and aloof on the surface)
• empathetic but sometimes need to shut this off to protect myself from predatory types
• loved painting, drawing, music and colour since childhood (I can even remember painting at an easel at kindergarten)
• can create with anything, even with what others consider to be junk
• especially enjoy making art from materials other people don't want (my sculptures have been in community art exhibitions, even though sculptures are not my forte)
• become hyperfocused for hours, creating
• don't aim to make something 'pretty'. Make something meaningful
• love symbolism, patterns, links and connections
• tendency toward mental health struggles (much of it is being so sensitive)
• come up with original ideas (that others have taken credit for in the past)
• need a lot of solitude to both create plus recover from intense bursts of creating
• not as motivated to be in a relationship as most people (socialising can be draining)
• chose creative purpose over a relationship (yet I currently like to write about relationships with disabilities)
• seen as more exciting if do bother with a relationship
• if do connect with someone, is on a deeper level but otherwise mostly self-isolate (where I create)
• paint and write to process to make sense of challenging issues (I have clinical diagnoses that I don't want to be pigeon-holed by)
• switch from one form of creative expression to another (may include improvising music, visual arts, creative writing)
• prone to burnout, so avoid utilising creativity as a career - Soar Purpose is a passionate hobby for me, not a career. I don't actually have a career, just a part-time job.
• can see things from different perspectives - big picture as well as detail
• create whether anyone sees the created works or not
• creative whether anyone likes the created works or not
• doesn't follow the crowd or fashion trends
• enjoys experimenting and trying new things out
• alternate between confidence and self-doubt
• alternate between euphoric highs and depressive lows
• hyperfocused bursts of hyperfocus (5 hours or more) when nothing else but the creative project gets done
• will pay for the hyperfocus later in being still unable to get anything else done (with the hyperfocus temporarily gone)
• misunderstood by most others
• understood more by introverted creative types
• deeply moved by music & music may change mood
• tendency to be messy but also have perfectionist tendencies
• visual thinker, with full colour imagination
• in solitude, most of the time, creating or recovering from stress
• inspired by others, nature, anything really but doesn't mimic others
• visionary and determined to achieve challenging creative projects, no matter how long it takes
• creative purpose gives meaning in life and a reason to live
• excited by creating (and sometimes frustrated too), yet improvise to solve problems that arise
• ebb and flow with productivity but with perseverance, projects eventually are completed
• daydream about my creative projects
• will destroy what I have created if I feel this is necessary (is part of the creative process). This can include blogs I spent hundreds of hours on and paintings.
• will rehome artworks to anyone who has a strong connection to it
• have a childlike approach to art with bolder colours, more imagination
• will paint if I'm not sure what I am feeling. Music helps with the processing
• has sometimes been recognised for creativity (won art competition age 10, won major prize in writing competition as adult, won 'new business of the year' award, two solo art as therapy exhibitions, sold some art as a hobby artist, self-published books)
• mocked and laughed at by others for taking a long time to do things (eg writing my novel, Pet Purpose took 7 years).
• yet encouraged and mentored by other creatives who know what it's like to work hard on something to finally see it completed
• can 'destroy' something and repurpose parts, to make something new
• may wake up dreaming about storylines but then may be too tired to actually get up and record them
• if the themes are compelling enough, they will come back - have figured out creative ways to capture them
• creatively processed grief and trauma that had been shut down for decades.
• my paints are my treasures
• I don't actually own many material possessions and this doesn't matter, as long as I have somewhere safe to live and I can create
• called a 'colourful' and 'passionate' person by others
• enjoy surprising others with some joy (will sometimes paint a rock and leave it for others to find)
• deeply intuitive (nearly 50:50 INTP:INFP personality traits) with analytical creative mind
• I see patterns, symbolism and metaphor into everything and weave these into my storytelling (visual arts, writing)
• my paintings and sculptures are actually visual mindmaps with stories
• often, when I paint a bird, bee etc, it's a metaphorical self-portrait
• when I write my books, I paint with words (Pet Purpose: Your Unspoken Voice is my most complex and expressive effort to date).
• my mind connects multiple things at once and I use this in my creative process (the links are potential triggers, which I process, which creates the art)
• my art is a process of transformation - mood, energy, emotions
• even though it hurts, will tolerate the rejection from loved ones, in order to keep creating (which is to have a voice, even in disguise)
• even when I seem quiet and withdrawn, my mind is busy. Creating. Or thinking about creating.
• when I am in my room, I am creating or thinking about creating
• when I go for a walk, listening to music, I am thinking about my storylines and creating
• I move most art on (adopt it out) or destroy it, so I'm free to create more
• I don't need fancy equipment to create - although basic technology helps if I want to share some of what I create online
• my mind is like a computer browser with lots of tabs open rapidly jumping between linked things. Some my mind becomes overloaded and shuts down. With processing, that it happening less now
• I have my creative and unique ways of organising the massive amount of information, which helps to compensate for my challenges (eg short-term memory impairments)
• making sense of my mind is a core part of my creative process - I combine analytical and creative
• I love to improvise - all my artworks are improvised - I have some ideas but even I don't know how the final result will be
• I use my own form of shorthand in my journals and disguise in my art, so that only I know what is really going on. My journals will make no sense to anyone else.
• I destroy my journals at times but not since I changed the way I journal to capture my themes with loose mindmaps and symbolism
• my paintings have socially unacceptable and personal themes hidden in plain sight. Only I know what the symbolism really means. It's my secret language.
• my entire life purpose now is about my creative expression. Hence Soar Purpose​​, my reason to live

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Soar purpose - from sore to soar

I did the painting, Soar Purpose 3 years ago. The painting is a metaphorical self-portrait. The video is taking it from the dim lighting of my room out into daylight, for the first time. I had to dig through my files to upload it but I knew where to find it. It's such a symbolic painting to me, that I haven't destroyed it, sold it nor given it away. I see it every day. The bird is flying towards the goal of completing two novels, Pet Purpose and Soar Purpose.

I've written more about it beneath the video.​

I'd written in my journal (a simple scrapbook) at the time of painting Soar Purpose:
​'flew outside (free)...express...Soar Purpose (reveal) full daylight (looks different). Symbolic art (metaphors) self-portraits. Processing. Storytelling. Sore to soar. My story - will keep telling it again & again in different forms - paintings, stories, metaphors - until someone hears & understands. Soar Purpose = reveal into full light (not planned, improvise as go). Expressing without saying a word. Tell stories - visual art, novels. Soar Purpose = sequel."

I'd noted that the painting started off as 'Painting Hope' - my psychologist had suggested I paint what hope is, when I was struggling to find a reason to stay alive.

The painting was also done when I was developing an attraction to Maxwell, the main person I am writing about in my memoir, Bipolar Courage, which I am aiming to self-publish this year. We were in the getting to know each other on a deeper level stage.

After I've published Bipolar Courage (which was actually going off on a tangent), I will get back to my bigger goal of completing Soar Purpose. Both stories have a lot of symbolism I want to weave in, so it takes time.