Currently listening to the chorus of 'You're the Voice' (John Farnham) on repeat. I made a short video with some encouraging comments from my mental health YouTube channel, Bipolar Courage. I spent hours in hyperfocus last night, to complete the blog post. Just going to write a short blog post, while listening to that part of the song, as I feel burnt out. Will be stepping back to paint etc for a bit. Compelled to have a voiceBeing trolled does knock me around, as I am a sensitive person with a history of trauma. The trolling can be extremely ugly, with the accusations that I doubt anyone would say to someone's face. As a coping resource, I felt compelled to go through and read and focus on some of the supportive comments during this journey. Sometimes, I feel like deleting my mental health channel. I am reminded though, that it was worth it, as so many people expressed gratitude that it's helped them. I have had mental health crises as a direct result of online bullying (ironically, mostly by those who evangelise to accept those who are different). My psychologist has repeatedly urged me to put safety first over my need to have a voice. My need to have a voice is to a large degree because of childhood trauma plus not being able to speak outside the home, including at school. This is called mutism which predates the trauma event leading to posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The mutism is attributed by clinicians to social anxiety disorder (now mild) and autism spectrum features (now also mild). I linked my most stigmatised diagnosis, bipolar affective disorder (type 1 which has mania) in my channel name, on purpose. As I wanted to try reduce stigma. Also, I was hoping to 'kick trauma's butt'. Clinicians say I am left with a permanent impairment of a 'mental injury'. I am nearly at the end of my treatment - over 5 years of therapy. It was very triggering and I needed extended time to recover but recently, I put my voice forward to local decision makers about art funding. I was acknowledged as having a powerful voice. Origins of Xanthe wyseXanthe Wyse wasn't always my legal name. I chose Xanthe Wyse as a pen name for blogging after I won a major prize in an Australasian writing competition about mental health. I wrote my essay in metaphor, as I had so much shame from my then depression diagnosis. From being called 'demon-possessed' etc. When I was a child, adults in a church group even tried to 'cast demons out of me' for being distressed at forced eye contact. I've had PTSD since childhood. Sixteen years ago, I started blogging as Xanthe Wyse, which means 'yellow insight or golden wisdom'. Even clinicians have called me 'insightful'. I was so afraid of criticism when I started blogging that it was hard to express my view. I was both attacked (called 'disgusting' etc) and commended online. I even was awarded blogging accolades. An anonymous stranger said they didn't kill themselves that day because of what I wrote. Later, after more traumatic events, I legally changed my name to Xanthe Wyse. I deleted my first blogs. It was scary to speak on camera because people had always criticised how I speak (not speaking, too fast, too loud, too quiet, stuck on loops etc) but I decided to try vlogging. I had a mania episode with my first attempt at vlogging, which involved sharing some of my creative ways of processing trauma (which looked a bit unconventional, such as using a sledgehammer to smash symbolic objects). I took down the videos. Later, I decided to have another try at vlogging. I still had the raw videos from my first vlogging attempts, so I made a 7 minute compilation showing elevation into mania (from videos over a month). It was when I was off medications and opposing the bipolar disorder diagnosis. My psychologist has seen the video, and she agrees that I was processing trauma creatively. She supported me in continuing to process creatively but to go much slower, at my own pace. Because I meet criteria for both bipolar disorder and PTSD, even after treatment, I needed a slower approach with therapy. I've had over 5 years of therapy from a clinical psychologist. I am still considered to have a permanent impairment of a 'mental injury'. POwerful VoiceSome people who follow me know that the most natural way I have a voice is through my visual arts. Some of my earliest memories are from when I was just a year old. They are visual and sensation memories, without language. From the first person of some things which were recorded from when I was a child on family home movies. My last solo art as therapy exhibition was 4 years ago. I called it 'Speak'. Solo art exhibitions are very stressful so I felt like I achieved what I needed to with 2 solo exhibitions (to overcome my not feeling 'good enough'). Later this month, I will be taking part in a group art exhibition, after a local fulltime professional artist encouraged me to participate. Funding from community arts grants helps these community events to be free to the public. I also spoke up before my legal name change about something political. I can't stand politics because of the corruption and abuse of power. I founded an advocacy page which was taken over by others and was acknowledged by the governments in two countries for bringing about a major reform (an immigration issue that left people vulnerable). I didn't personally benefit from this and others lied and took full credit. That's what happens when one stays behind the scenes. I decided from that point on to trademark anything important that I do, including blogs. Also, to have the courage to put my face and name out there. It hasn't been easy. I have been targeted a lot by those who want to silence me. I get burnt out a lot and I have depressive episodes. At times, it's been so bad, that it's involved input from the mental health crisis team. I am currently experiencing another bout of burnout. Pushing through burnout can result in longer episodes of depression. This week is also my Dad's birthday. It's been a year without Dad. It will share a recent process painting I did, which is the inside of a historical building closest to where Dad's ashes have ended up. I have some details of a puppy commission painting to finish. Thinking of painting a tui, to get through Dad's birthday. I don't blog very often these days, as it takes a lot of energy to do anything, whether painting, blogging, vlogging or chipping away at my book. Full circleWell, so much for keeping things short. I ended up typing a lot while listening to music. I can still touch type reasonably fast, although I hit the backspace button a lot. My blog posts are pretty much stream-of-consciousness. The image at the beginning of this blog post is from a process painting I did last year. I posted it to someone in the USA whom I met online with similar disabilities to me. Social media is a mixed bag, as it can be an opportunity for connection as well as being more vulnerable to bullying. The thing is, psychiatrists, didn't actually tell me much about bipolar disorder. Just prescribed meds. I have been able to make sense of my experiences with both therapy from a clinician psychologist (paid for in New Zealand via ACC) and from others who have had the courage to speak up. Advocacy can be incredibly toxic though these days, with identity politics as branding for making a profit. I am pleased to say that I have never accepted donations and I don't want to. This past year, I went semiprofessional (hobby business) with my art and I don't make a profit yet and not sure if I ever will. I don't even like to call myself an advocate anymore, even though I have done just that. Including when I self-advocated during a legal battle with ACC. It took years and I self-represented against two solicitors hired by ACC but in the end I won. It wasn't much from a financial standpoint but I felt extra satisfaction that a doctor ACC chose who used to work for them assessed well in my favour, on a good day. Also he acknowledged there was no signs of exaggerating. Any 'exaggerating' I might do on occasion is in recent videos when I read out with dramatised effect what some trolls say. Even though I might use humour, it does still knock me around. Hence, I appreciate the voices of encouragement. I think that even though it's been hard (the mental health channel), it's been worth it. I have no algorithms to chase, as I don't make money from it anyway. My self-published books from my experiences make peanuts as I don't have the means to market them. This month, I will be focused on the group art exhibition and recovery from that. I hope to resume some work on my book Soar Purpose, years in progress. It all takes time. I put some of the encouraging comments into a blog post, as an acknowledgement but also as reference when I need some building up. My words have helped others and encouraging words from others have helped me. Finishing up with a song I haven't heard before, will have some lunch and go do my part time job. Will avoid posting for a while, to do some more behind the scenes recharging stuff. Update: I only managed to go to work for an hour. I was too exhausted to continue, so came home and have been hibernating in bed. Just checked through this post and added a few more links and fixed a few typos I noticed. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow as he wants to review my meds. Writing is not quite as tiring for me as speaking but still tiring. Editing is extra tiring for me, so I only minimally edit blog posts. So I will try to take a break from blogging and vlogging for a bit. Art blogI have another blog on my art-themed website, soarpurpose.nz, so check that out (also overlaps with mental health themes at times). hyperfocusI can have extended periods of hyperfocus, when working on a project. This clip shows some of putting together yesterday's blog post. I didn't expect to write a post today and I'm feeling wiped out but I guess I've been processing some stuff.
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Xanthe Wyse('Zan-thee Wise'). Disclaimer: the author of this blog is not an expert by profession and her opinions should not be taken as expert advice.
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