This might be a bit disjointed as my brain is getting tired after an intense session of hyperfocus working on my memoir, Bipolar Courage: are you sure you're not autistic? That second part is what 'Maxwell' had asked me. The memoir is about our intense connection and the clashes (from our strong-willed personalities plus our diagnoses). It's an unconventional love story.
No kidding, when I was retyping a very symbolic part of my memoir, listening to music, I got up to where I had mentioned, 'Every Breath You Take' (The Police). Then I realised the song that was playing, was also from the same band. 'Every Little Thing she Does is Magic'. When I was also referencing this painting, Synchronity. Maxwell's painting, symbolising our connection.
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Currently listening to music, while deleting raw videos (most of which went onto my now archived vlog as Bipolar Courage. No intentions of writing a blog post. Listening to music makes tedious tasks less tedious. Decluttering my digital files now and again is like decluttering my mind. I have privated a good chunk of the videos, which mainly serve as a library for myself, when I want to check on various themes when I am writing.
I let the songs choose themselves, just skipping if I don't like something. 'Don't Speak' (No Doubt) was playing when I got up to these photos. My old laptop smashed with a sledgehammer. It's symbolic why I did it. I might detail in my novel exactly why I did it. (Clue: diagnosed with shut down presentation of PTSD). I did a bit of work on my memoir this past week. Then, tonight, I decided to have another sort out. Some things got burned, some put into another location. It's like sorting out my mind, as I've processed things. Whatever I have kept has the potential to be used later, creatively.
I'm actually avoiding currently. Avoiding getting back to a project that I am determined to complete in 2023 (my second memoir, Bipolar Courage).
I don't want to harp on much about my diagnoses on this blog. I will mention in this post that I am diagnosed with the avoidance and shutdown presentation of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I am into my 5th year of treatment and my psychologist has applied to extend therapy to the end of this year. I have improved a lot, yet I still struggle and I didn't really want to continue with detailing how in my old blog and vlog on bipolarcourage.com. Part of me feels like I could just delete it all but then I put goodness knows how many hours of effort into it. It takes courage to be vulnerable and show the raw stuff. Recently I have been transitioning away from advocacy stuff (a 15-year journey in all) and I've been hyperfocussed on setting up this website (using self-taught skills). In this blog post, I want to try say how avoidance can actually result in getting stuff done. 'Maxwell' (whom I'm writing about in my memoir) said that I'm 'compelled to create.' I was thinking today about what being creative means to me. Of course, this is also a complex interaction with other traits, such as my introversion and mental health struggles (both of which Maxwell also has). I think Maxwell is also a creative, yet hasn't fully untapped his creative potential yet. Some of our shared traits is why we connected, I think. Other than mutual attraction.
Whereas, a creative who is extroverted and who doesn't have mental health struggles may have quite different characteristics. I recall some years back, someone mentored me and said I was yet to fulful my creative potential. This person was right. Now my creative expression is my entire meaning of life. I'll make a list of creative traits that apply to me. The painting below, Soar Purpose, was inspired by my connection with Maxwell. Which also inspired the title of a novel I am still writing called Soar Purpose and this blog. My brain is extremely fatigued but I decided to start another blog post anyway. When fatigued, it's much harder to string sentences together, to be understood. However, my blog is minimally edited and an outlet in between my bigger projects. I also forget what I've just written or typed. Yet, it's all a form of processing.
Writing is more challenging for me, as I have clinicially recognised cognitive impairments. I find it easier to paint. I don't actually need to use much cognition at all to paint. It's just improvised on intuition (I usually listen to music that fits my mood so I can process intense themes plus it stops any overthinking). Painting is energising and calming for me at the same time, like meditation in motion. When my brain is too scrambled for words, and I don't know what I'm feeling, painting is my go to. |
Xanthe Wyse('Zan-thee Wise'). Disclaimer: the author of this blog is not an expert by profession and her opinions should not be taken as expert advice.
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